Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Not Global Catastrophe Or Politics. Just Kissing…
March 11, 2014

Here’s a fun little bit from Digg. And stay for the credits.

High Tech And The Brits
September 1, 2011

A bit of British humor… My Blackberry Is Not Working

(A tip of the hat to my friend John out in haboob country.)

A Little Levity…
April 7, 2011

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns
————————————————————————————-
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic
————————————————————————————-
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma’s a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic
————————————————————————————-
Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada
————————————————————————————-
Dear Yahoo,
I’ve never heard anyone say, "I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it…" just saying…
Sincerely,
Google
————————————————————————————-
Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can’t touch this.
Sincerely,
That Little Triangle
————————————————————————————-
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea… Just kidding! They’re all dead.
Sincerely,
BP
————————————————————————————-
Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God
————————————————————————————-
Dear Nickleback,
That’s enough.
Sincerely, The World
————————————————————————————-
Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain…..no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely, Sarah Palin
————————————————————————————-
Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco….
Sincerely, United States
————————————————————————————-
Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely, Superman
————————————————————————————-
Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies
————————————————————————————-
Dear Ugly People,
You’re welcome.
Sincerely, Alcohol
————————————————————————————-
Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans
————————————————————————————-
Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User
————————————————————————————-
Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up…
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore
————————————————————————————-
Dear Man,
It’s cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant
————————————————————————————-
Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.
Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper

[Thanks to my friend from the wilds of Arizona.]

Don’t You Just Miss Him?
April 6, 2011

 

What Would The J-Man Do?
December 28, 2010

[An old post from Grumpy Tiger, just because it’s Christmas and an antidote is necessary…GL]

    Sunday morning, on my way home from not going to church, an activity which I observe religiously, I stopped at Arnie’s Sidewalk Café to partake of his generous Atheist Coffee Hour. As I munched on an Atheist Cinnamon Bun, shaped like an angel, the J-Man sat down at my table.
     “J-Man, how you doing?”
     He looked puzzled. “You recognize me?”
     “Sure. The white robe, the long hair, the silky beard, the healthy glow. And that little halo thingie up there.”
     “Damn. I thought I had that taken care of.”
     I shrugged. “Hard to get good help these days.”
     “I just came from church. Nobody recognized me. They looked at me like I was a freak.”
     “It’s the clothes, J. Robes are out. Tell you what, I’m almost finished here. Let’s go over to Wal-Mart and get you some jeans, a nice shirt. You want shoes or keep the sandals?”
     “Sandals are good.” He peered down at his toes.
     “Umm. How about underwear? You wearing any?”
     “That’s sort of personal, don’t you think?”
     “I’m cool with it.”
     He looked around nervously for a second. “Maybe we could skip Wal-Mart and go to, oh, I don’t know, maybe that store over there.”
     He pointed across the street at Joe and Annie’s Good Time General Store and Computer Repair.
     “Sure. I know Joe and Annie a long time.”
     “Good. Good. It’s just that the Old Man doesn’t really approve of Wal-Mart. They don’t treat people right.”
     “Amen,” I said.
     I bought him some nice Pakistani jeans and a white shirt with just a touch of red and yellow embroidery, and we went for a walk in the city park down the street.
     When we settled into a nice walking rhythm, I said, “So J-Man, what are you doing here? You didn’t come to try to convert me again, did you, because we had that talk when I was twelve.”
     “You were thirteen, and no that’s not why.”
     “Okay. What’s up then?”
     He fidgeted, picked up a rock and threw it in the lake. It skipped all the way to the other side and hit a duck. “Damn. You think he’s alright?”
     “You hit him in the butt. His dignity’s ruffled is all.”
     “Everything’s out of quack.” He smiled, then shrugged.
     “Good one.”
     “It’s all these people going around asking ‘What would the J-Man do?’”.
     “Yeah, that would get annoying.”
     He smacked his forehead. “It’s getting worse than all the praying. You don’t know how many times I’ve had to listen to the Old Man rant about that. ‘Why don’t they get off their asses and their knees and do something instead of whining to me? Tell me when I designed pathetic whining into them, tell me! Whine, whine, whine. Please fix Aunt Jean’s liver. Please kill the dictators. Please get rid of Bush. Please kill all the Muslims. Please help Anna Nicole’s baby. Please find money for heat. Please fix my car. What in Hell do they think I am?’ Yada yada yada. He goes on for years sometimes.”
     “Must be tough in the god business these days.”
     “You’ve no idea. Oy!” He shook his head. He looked at me curiously. “You’re an atheist. Why are you even listening to me?”
     “You’re an interesting guy. You tell some funny stories.”
     “I’m supposed to be your God.”
     “You hit a duck in the butt.”
     “Good point.”
     “Look, even if you did a miracle right here in front of me, I’d just shrug and tell you that David Blaine can probably do it better.”
     “You know, him and Copperfield have really messed up the miracle business. I saw Blaine levitate once, on the street, in front of people. He had me convinced.”
     “He has a god-given talent.”
     “I should mess up your karma for that one!” He laughed. It was good to see him laugh. When I was thirteen he had been so serious I was sure he was headed for a heart attack or a stroke.
     “So what about this WWJD stuff?” I said.
     “Well! I mean, it’s ridiculous isn’t it? First time I’m back I see a 747 roaring in over my head. I was terrified.”
     “Probably not a good idea to come back in an airport.”
     “Yeah. And trying to cross a city street for the first time? No oxen, no horses, no asses.”
     “You haven’t seen some of the girls, have you?”
     “Whole other story. I actually tried to chastise some of them for their immodesty. They laughed.”
     “They ask to see under your robe?”
     “The redhead did.” He paused. I think he blushed. “I was tempted. She was really very pretty.”
     I let him have his moment.
     “And TV. First time I saw TV I tried to find out how the little people got in the box. And where’d they come from? We didn’t make them. I told people it was sorcery, and they threw me out of the bar.” 
    “Yankees, playoffs, right?”
     “Oh yeah. I learned not to mess with people’s Yankees.”
     We walked on in silence for a few minutes along the edge of the lake. Lots of people were out enjoying the sunshine, walking, jogging, playing with their dogs. Several of the women cast appraising glances our way. Well, his way.
     “J-Man, you should pick up one of these women, have a few drinks, go out on the town, relax.”
     “I know, I know. That’s what my therapist tells me. Loosen up, loosen up, she says. But this WWJD stuff…”
     “Well, what would you do?”
     “What difference does it make? They know what to do. They don’t need to be pinning it on me and the Old Man. They’ve got science and reason. Can’t any of these people think through a problem and come up with solutions? They have to whine to us about it? It’s pathetic.”
     I nodded.
     He said, “The world’s going to hell, they’re responsible, and they won’t do anything about it. Look at me. I come from a two thousand year old village barely out of the freaking Stone Age, and they want me to fix the world. They think that the stuff written by a bunch of post-Stone Age fanatics, neurotics, psychotics, poets and essayists is what ought to govern the world. These people are on drugs.”
     “And I thought I was alone in thinking that.”
     “Nah,” he said quickly. “But don’t tell anyone I said so.”
     “My lips are sealed.”
     “Do you think that duck is really okay?”
     “Sure. Trust me, they see worse every day.”
     “Yeah, I guess. Want to go to the Yankees game today? Double header. Drink some beer, flirt with the girls a little.”
     “How’re we gonna get tickets?” I said.
     “Dude, I’m the J-Man.” He flashed a couple of tickets seemingly out of nowhere. “I may not be David Blaine, but I’ve got some pull.”

#

Politics In The Good Old Days…
August 1, 2010

Last night The Lion was discussing his new book, Back in the Good Old Days of Politics, by The Lion, with Jon Stewart. Yes, yes, that Jon Stewart.

Of course the subject of corrupt political regimes came up. Tammany Hall. The old Daley machine in Chicago. The Roman Empire.

The Lion noted that corrupt regimes were often handled differently in the old days.

“Like what?” Jon said. “They had to give up some oxen or a daughter or two when they got kicked out?”

“Close, Jon, close. For example, there was a mayoral election in a Bactrian village in the year 2202 B.C….”

“Bactria? Isn’t that where we get Bactrian camels? I always forget, are they one hump or two?”

“Indeed. Two humps, Jon. In fact, camels played a role. The old mayor was totally corrupt. Very bad guy. Well the new mayor decided he couldn’t look forward until he had dealt with the past, so he turned a herd of camels loose on the old mayor and his family and his supporters. Smashed up his palatial hovel and his garden too for good measure.”

“You might say he humped them to death,” Jon giggled.

“Someone might say that, Jon.”

“That sounds drastic, but you seem to approve,” Jon said.

“Well, yes and no,” The Lion replied. “It was good that the new mayor spared the family pets, but there was a housing shortage and crushing the hovel might have been a little too much.”

“Uh ha. Soooo, do you think that would be a good idea today?”

“That depends. Now by those standards President Obama would have taken all the Bushes and all the Cheneys and all their hangers-on and such and shot them. Line ‘em up, read ‘em the charges, and bang. Moving on to new business.”

“You said it depends. How’s that?”

“Well, Bush and Cheney could have gotten away with it. Given their personalities it might have been expected, wiping out the Clintonistas and the Clintons. Bush might even have executed his father too, just to be sure he tidied up all the loose ends.”

“But you think Obama couldn’t do it?” Jon said. “Too nice a guy, right?”

“Au contraire, Jon, au contraire. In fact the Bush-Cheney machine would have richly deserved summary execution. Back in Rome they would have been put to the sword, their families killed, their lands appropriated, and there would never have been anything like a Tea Party over it. No, Obama has a different problem.”

“Let me guess. It would start a race war because he’s black.”

“I don’t think it would come to that. After all, he’s half-white. No, it’s the reaction of the Republicans in Congress and in the Republican leadership.”

Jon shrugged his shoulders in query.

“Can’t you just hear them, Jon? ‘Uppity nigger’. That’s all we would hear, Republicans mumbling the ‘uppity’ word. They’d refuse to pass any of his programs. The more virulent and racist of them would break off and form a separate party. It would be very messy, Jon, very messy.”

“So you think that’s why Bush and Cheney are alive and free today? Because the Republicans would be shouting out the ‘U’ word?”

“Partly. It would be a public relations nightmare and the Republicans would try to polarize the country and paralyze the legislative process.”

“Partly, you say. What’s the other part?”

“Well Bush and Cheney never trusted Obama to do the right thing, and frankly, like most rigid authoritarian people they spend most of their time scared to death. So they signed an agreement with Obama.”

“Like a contract or something?”

“Exactly. For the next one hundred years the Bush and Cheney families will work in the fields of the farm Obama bought in Illinois, picking cotton and vegetables.”

“Wow!” Jon said. “I’d never have imagined that.”

“It’s a win-win situation, Jon. Obama gets cheap labor, for just the price of feeding them, and the Bush and Cheney families get to live in hovels for free.”

“We’ve certainly come a long way since Bactria,” Jon said, before he went home to his wife next door. Yes, yes, that Jon Stewart, The Lion’s next door neighbor. Who did you think it was?

#

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The Teabagger Socialist-Free Purity Pledge
June 11, 2010

The Lion would like to freely acknowledge stealing this little gem from Maureen Holland’s blog, Whatever Works. She apparently cheerfully stole it from somewhere else. It’s a good thing to steal.

 

The Teabagger Socialist-Free Purity Pledge

I, ________________________________, do solemnly swear to uphold the principles of a socialism-free society and heretofore pledge my word that I shall strictly adhere to the following:

I will complain about the destruction of 1st Amendment Rights in this country, while I am duly being allowed to exercise my 1st Amendment Rights.

I will complain about the destruction of my 2nd Amendment Rights in this country, while I am duly being allowed to exercise my 2nd Amendment rights by legally but brazenly brandishing unconcealed firearms in public.

I will foreswear the time-honored principles of fairness, decency, and respect by screaming unintelligible platitudes regarding tyranny, Nazi-ism, and socialism at public town halls. Also.

I pledge to eliminate all government intervention in my life. I will abstain from the use of and participation in any socialist goods and services including but not limited to the following:

● Social Security
● Medicare/Medicaid
● State Children’s Health Insurance Programs (SCHIP)
● Police, Fire, and Emergency Services
● US Postal Service
● Roads and Highways
● Air Travel (regulated by the socialist FAA)
● The US Railway System
● Public Subways and Metro Systems
● Public Bus and Light rail Systems
● Rest Areas on Highways
● Sidewalks
● All Government-Funded Local/State Projects (e.g., see Iowa 2009 federal senate appropriations
● Public Water and Sewer Services (goodbye socialist toilet, shower, dishwasher, kitchen sink, outdoor hose!)
● Public and State Universities and Colleges
● Public Primary and Secondary Schools
● Sesame Street
● Publicly Funded Anti-Drug Use Education for Children
● Public Museums
● Libraries
● Public Parks and Beaches
● State and National Parks
● Public Zoos
● Unemployment Insurance
● Municipal Garbage and Recycling Services
● Treatment at Any Hospital or Clinic That Ever Received Funding From Local, State or Federal Government (pretty        much all of them)
● Medical Services and Medications That Were Created or Derived From Any Government Grant or Research Funding (again, pretty much all of them)
● Socialist Byproducts of Government Investment Such as Duct Tape and Velcro (Nazi-NASA Inventions)
● Use of the Internets, email, and networked computers, as the DoD’s ARPANET was the basis for subsequent computer networking
● Foodstuffs, Meats, Produce and Crops That Were Grown With, Fed With, Raised With or That Contain Inputs From Crops Grown With Government Subsidies
● Clothing Made from Crops (e.g. cotton) That Were Grown With or That Contain Inputs From Government Subsidies
● If a veteran of the government-run socialist US military, I will forego my VA benefits and insist on paying for my own medical care

I will not tour socialist government buildings like the Capitol in Washington, D.C. I pledge to never take myself, my family, or my children on a tour of the following types of socialist locations, including but not limited to:
● Smithsonian Museums such as the Air and Space Museum or Museum of American History
● The socialist Washington, Lincoln, and Jefferson Monuments
● The government-operated Statue of Liberty
● The Grand Canyon
● The socialist World War II and Vietnam Veterans Memorials
● The government-run socialist-propaganda location known as Arlington National Cemetery
● All other public-funded socialist sites, whether it be in my state or in Washington, DC

I will urge my Member of Congress and Senators to forego their government salary and government-provided healthcare.

I will oppose and condemn the government-funded and therefore socialist military of the United States of America.

I will boycott the products of socialist defense contractors such as GE, Lockheed-Martin, Boeing, Northrop Grumman, General Dynamics, Raytheon, Humana, FedEx, General Motors, Honeywell, and hundreds of others that are paid by our socialist government to produce goods for our socialist army.

I will protest socialist security departments such as the Pentagon, FBI, CIA, Department of Homeland Security, TSA, Department of Justice and their socialist employees.

Upon reaching eligible retirement age, I will tear up my socialist Social Security checks.

Upon reaching age 65, I will forego Medicare and pay for my own private health insurance until I die.

SWORN ON A BIBLE AND SIGNED THIS DAY OF ____________ IN THE YEAR ______________.

___________________________ ___________________________
Signed Printed Name/Town and State

 

Jon Stewart Does Glenn Beck
March 19, 2010

In a stunning tour de force, Jon Stewart imitates Glenn Beck for thirteen minutes and completely trashes the little clown. Did you know that Bert of Sesame Street is actually Hitler? Stewart/Beck proves it.

Clear a space on the floor, because you’re going to be rolling on it.

Stewart Does Beck

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Backgammon, Anyone?
March 7, 2010

The Lion has put some of his infamous backgammon writing over at Grumpy Writer. It’s supposed to be funny. If you don’t get a laugh out of it, don’t blame The Lion. You’re obviously deficient in some psychological category. It’s not The Lion’s fault.

 

Who Ya Gonna Call?
March 6, 2010

Courtesy of my friend John…

 

School bus in Japan….

bus001

bus002

bus003

School bus in India….

bus004

…and who do you think we call when we need help with our computers?

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