Glenn Beck, We Actually Are Coming To Get You

Glenn Beck, the television blitherer who looks a lot like a fat-cheeked chipmunk, thinks progressives are out to kill him. At least that’s what one would have to gather from his daily blitherings on radio and television.

Glenn, who calls himself a conservative so that the crazoids who believe him will consider him an authentic authority, is little more than a loudmouthed liar who says outrageous things in order to get ratings. Either that or he’s a certifiable nutcase who believes his own virulent incitements to violence.

Some of his stuff, from Media Matters:

  • Suggested Obama is pushing America toward civil war and deliberately "trying to destroy the country."
  • Capped two weeks of violent fear mongering about progressives by warning that when their attempts at a "soft revolution" fail, eventually progressives "just start shooting people."
  • Said the "people around the president" support "armed insurrection" and "bombing."
  • Repeatedly insinuated that the Obama administration will kill him.
  • Used a quote from Jefferson to launch into a warning about coming "rivers of blood."
  • Compared himself to "Israeli Nazi hunters" and announced that "to the day I die, I am going to be a progressive hunter."
  • Included in his advice to Liberty University grads that they should "shoot to kill," and that graduates "have a responsibility" to speak out, or "blood…will be on our hands."
  • Informed viewers that the "world is on edge" and said that "those who survive" will "stand in the truth" and "listen."
  • Said that some progressive groups don’t have "a problem with blood in the streets."

Well, The Lion has had enough of Mr. Glenn Beck’s attempted destruction of liberty, freedom, democracy, and people’s lives, and has decided to make Glenn’s wildest fantasies come true.

Right now, Glenn, this very moment, Progressive hit squads are watching you and planning their moves. Because you are a stain on democracy and freedom, a serial abuser of power, and because you incite violence with your lies and distortions and vile hatred and bigotry, our people are going to remove you from the public airwaves.

You won’t see it coming, Glenn, but you will feel it. Our squads have been instructed to inflict some serious pain on you before the final act, just so you know the reality of what’s happening to you – the same reality you think it’s okay to inflict on others. We’re thinking liposuction without anesthesia, for starters.

So be careful where you go, Glenn. We’re gonna get you. We’re gonna hurt you.

And because you have managed somehow to breed, Glenn, other squads have been pointed towards your home and whoever might be inside; towards your girlfriend’s apartment; and towards your boyfriend’s snug little cabin. Also, your dealer, the one with the half-blonde pony tail and the designer jeans, he’s been paid to add a little something extra to your purchases.

The jig is up, Glenn. We’re everywhere, and we look just like everyone else. We’ve even got a couple of people on your staff, Glenn, a couple of good undercover operatives. We know where you go, what you do, what you eat for breakfast, how you like your eggs, that disgusting thing you do to your girlfriend, where you keep your money. We own you, Glenn, we own you.

This paranoid fantasy has been brought to you by Glenn Beck’s mind, what little there is of it. Reap what you sow, Chipmunk.

Of course, Glenn, we really don’t condone violence: we’re not like you. This entire piece of writing is merely satire and parody, a sort of reverse Glenn Beck. We haven’t really told anyone to hurt you or your family or your confederates. Not that we wouldn’t be just all thrilled if someone did do you, but it’s more likely to be one of your dupes who sees the light, realizes what a sick, lying little sack of greed and insanity you are, and decides he’s going to get his money back or take it out of your chipmunk hide. That’s who you really have to fear, Glenn, the people around you, the people close to you, and the people you dupe. Look around, Glenn, look around.


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3 Responses

  1. To the Pain!! 😈


    • May the pain reign!


  2. […] 1, 2010 · Leave a Comment I love a good Glenn Beck takedown and the Grumpy Lion did an artful one yesterday. I visit there regularly for the sharp irreverence and you should too. From the post (in […]


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