In the news this morning…
John Roberts, Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court, and an avowed ultra-conservative, resigned from the Court last night.
Mr. Roberts gave no reason other than the standard political escape clause, “I want to spend more time with my family.”
The blogosphere is abuzz with information that Mr. Robert’s Harvard law degree was bogus because he paid a professor for a B grade in three courses he was failing. Mr. Roberts denied the charge. A letter found hidden in the belongings of the recently murdered professor revealed the fraud.
In other news, an Ohio high school journalism class discovered that House Minority Leader John Boehner did not graduate from Xavier University as he has claimed.
An Xavier University spokesman, speaking anonymously so he wouldn’t get fired, said, “We have no record of Mr. Boehner graduating. He did attend for a time, but was expelled for doing odd things with lab animals. That’s all I can tell you.”
Mr. Boehner, caught by reporters as he left the small animal area of the Washington Zoo, expressed a terse, “No comment” before he said, “It’s a shame when the opposition has to resort to lies and deceit and manipulation of the press. Republicans never do that. I am saddened for my country.” Mr. Boehner proceeded to cry.
A reporter noticed what appeared to be animal fur on Mr. Boehner’s pants.
In other news from Congress, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky abruptly resigned his post at 2 a.m. this morning when records of his sex change operation were posted on the internet tubes.
The records show that Mr. McConnell was a male when he underwent a sex change operation soon after he was released from the U.S. Army at the request of then Kentucky Senator John Cooper, for whom McConnell had interned. The medical reason for his discharge was related to a symptom of multiple sclerosis, which Mr. McConnell does not have. Mr. McConnell has always refused to discuss the matter. He joins a long line of ostensibly honorable Republican politicians for whom military service was an inconvenience to their careers and was dispensed with.
Following his secret sex change operation in Thailand, Mr. McConnell realized, according to sources, that he could not run for political office as a transgendered person. He thereupon resumed dressing and acting like a male and successfully entered politics.
Mr. McConnell’s sex change was outed by the Thai physician who performed the surgery. The physician gave the information in a deathbed confession.
Meanwhile, in other news, at the White House, the Secret Service has been shooting lobbyists who get too close to the gates. Sources confirm that this action was approved at the highest levels of Homeland Security. Several lobbyists were shot as they climbed over a pile of bodies outside the main gate.
It was reported that after their last attempt, the lobbyists retreated to a nearby bar to reassess their strategy. One told a reporter, “It’s just one of the costs of doing business as we work hard for our country,” just before a Secret Service agent shot him in the bar and dragged his body away.
In further news from the White House, President Barack Obama called in Republican leaders at midnight last night and told them to “suck it up, stop getting in the way, or you’ll find yourselves in Guantanamo Bay sweeping out cells.” Mr. Obama then announced that he was scrapping the current “health insurance company support” legislation, and instead will demand that Congress pass his ‘Medicare For All’ legislation, which he will submit to Congress this morning. He also announced that the Internal Revenue Service and the Justice Department will open full investigations into the health insurance industry and all aspects of the medical industry. “If they don’t come up clean, heads are gonna roll,” the President said. “They’ve screwed over Americans for the last time. Those CEOs that lied to me and to Congress are gonna find their balls in a vise and their money and fancy cars and big homes that they bought from the suffering and misery of sick Americans, all that’s going into the Treasury to pay for health care. We’re gonna own the bastards!”
Bzzzz. Bzzzz. Bzzzz.
Crap. The Lion’s alarm clock is going off.
Damn. That was better than a wet dream.