Republicans Cry Out “Look Mom, I’m A Man!”

Republicans and Conservatives seem to be stuck in a time warp, one that whirls around and around their twelfth or thirteenth birthday.

It’s all the more evident now with the discussions being held at the White House about what to do in Afghanistan. The Republicans consider it a victory that the idea of getting American troops out of that misbegotten hellhole of medievalism, superstition, and corruption is completely off the table.

That’s to be expected, since they were the ones who pushed the country into invading that country and Iraq. The latter had absolutely nothing to do with the precipitating incident, the attacks of September 11. Afghanistan, as a nation, had nothing to do with those attacks either. That al-Qaeda, which financed the attacks and supported the nineteen hijackers and their network, operated in Afghanistan was little more than a formality. They could have operated anywhere. Islamabad. Mumbai. Indonesia. California. Toronto. Argentina. Yemen.

But the Republicans, led by their star team of Bushian sociopaths operating in key positions in government, used September 11 as an excuse to puff up their testicles and stick out their penises, waving the latter around and calling out to the world, “Look, Mom, I’m a man. I voted for funds to invade countries and kill hundreds of thousands of people. I’m a man, Mom, I’m a man, I finally made it.” The Democrats enabled this penis-waving, but didn’t engage in it.

So here we are now, eight years and hundreds of thousands of corpses and effectively a couple of trillion dollars later, and we have nothing to show for it. Al Qaeda is still at large, and in some form or other will be around for a long time. Two countries are destroyed, and neither is better off. The United States is to all intents and purposes bankrupt, so deep in debt, so close to the brink of economic devastation that ‘morning in America’ promises to be one of cold gruel and ersatz coffee, and yes, we can thank Ronald Reagan and his stupid, ill-informed economic policies for bringing us to this point.

And still the Republicans walk around waving their penises, shouting “More troops to Afghanistan. Look, Mom, I’m still a man.” They even apply the same ploy to desperately needed health care reform and financial reform. “A million families going bankrupt over medical bills is better than a government health care program. And those people on Wall Street are our friends. See, Mom, I’m a tough man.”

Of course it would never occur to those people, those so-called Republicans, that had we considered September 11 a criminal act and treated it accordingly, with appropriate police action, international cooperation, and the occasional small military special op, we might have finished the problem long ago.

Nor would it occur to the penis wavers so desperate to prove their manhood in the only way they know how, by destroying and killing, that had the United States used the hundreds of billions of war-spent dollars on a Manhattan Project to create the resources for non-carbon energy and the infrastructure to support it, we would be by this time independent of foreign fossil fuel. And as well we would have done a good bit of what’s needed to save civilization from the oncoming climate catastrophe that the Republicans are waving their penises at as they deny the facts and the evidence. One might wish them a severe case of sunburn.

But they’ve done their bit for Republicanism, and can go proudly home to Mom, wave their little penises, and say “Look, Mom, I’m a man.”

To which Mom, if she had any sense at all, would say, “Put that stupid thing away, you little idiot, and get your ass back to Washington and fix the god-awful damage you’ve done.”


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8 Responses

  1. That is one of the most beautiful things I have read in a while.

    In my humble opinion, however, I bet Glenn Beck’s penis is too small to wave.


    • The authorities on Beck’s home planet, after seeing what he was doing on this planet, revoked his right to breed, replacing his penis with a tiny replica. That’s why he cries so much. The people on his home planet are much smarter than the people on this planet. Beck is just plain fucking stupid on all planets.


  2. Ric,

    Not that you are one who needs the obvious pointed out, but, well, as far as I know the Republicans aren’t in power; so what that Republicans are talking about it–the Democrats obviously are in a position, as they have been since January, to follow their own ideals. It’s October, and all I hear is talk about the Republicans–a party whose power is presently little else than symbolic these days.


    • They have the power of no and are using it with a vengeance, ably assisted by the so-called blue dog Democrats, and abetted by the sixty-vote filibuster rule. Their power isn’t symbolic. It’s real. What it isn’t is positive or constructive or useful or based in reality. They’re fighting hard to return us to their myth of the nineteenth century.


  3. At least the Repubs have penises. I haven’t checked the Dems to see what happened to theirs – someone else can have that job.

    I nominate, you, Ric. 8)


    • I strongly suspect that the Repugs’ penises are fake, mere plastic replicas, whereas the Dems’ penises are real, but embarrassed.

      As for checking on these theories, I’m sure that somewhere there exists a penis-checking firm… ermmm…. company, probably a sub-corporation of one of the big health insurance companies.


  4. I don’t know, Ric. I have a feeling what we are all learning here is that the Democrats are owned by the same big interests that the Republics are owned by–that while the next three years might have a slightly different aroma, the source of the smell is the same old shit.


    • I’ve never been one to sing the unadulterated praises of the Democrats, but in contrast to the Republicans the Dems are absolute stalwarts of virtue in all areas. That they can be bought, some of them anyway, is screechingly evident in the current health insurance reform brouhaha, with Democrat Max Baucus being the prime examplar of corporate corruption of the political process.

      That said, and barring revelations of an unkind nature, Alan Grayson for President!


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