What’s A Rethuglicon?

Courtesy of an old friend sweltering in the Southwest, and in keeping with The Lion’s unending assault on the political party most responsible for the destruction of the American Constitution and rule of law and the slaughter of hundreds of thousands of people who offered no threat to the United States.

1. You’re barely middle-class yourself but support tax cuts for the wealthiest 1% of Americans because you think welfare
recipients are driving Cadillacs. And then you believe that only Democrats were killed when that bridge fell into the Mississippi
or in New Orleans during Katrina.

2. You and your unemployed draft-age sons have “Support the Troops” bumper stickers on your gas-guzzling SUVs and you
ignore the irony by threatening to beat up people who point it out.

3. You are a chicken hawk. In both senses of the word (a war hawk who has never served; an older man preying on young

4. You are so fearful of Al Qaeda launching an attack on the Steak n Shake in Knoxville, TN or Crabshmit, KY, or Bumfuk, TX
that you’ll gladly give up your own civil rights.

5. You believe that your little Midwestern shmithole town is the “real America” even though your children can’t wait to escape,
and towns like those have been steadily depopulating themselves for the last 35 years. 65% of the nation’s population lives
within 50 miles of the 15 largest metro areas in the country (13 of which voted Democratic), and yet you’re convinced that the
real America is a place most Americans actively shun.

6. You hate Hillary Clinton more than Osama Bin Laden.

7. You think criticism of George Bush is the same thing as hating George Bush. On second thought, most of the time you’d
actually be right.

8. You think that criticism of voting machines manufactured in the Philippines using chipboards made in Communist China and
assembled by a Venezuelan-owned company is crazy conspiracy theory. You refuse to believe that politicians have been
stealing elections and stuffing ballot boxes since the 1790s.

9. You cannot fathom that George Bush bought his Texas ranch three weeks before declaring his bid for the Presidency.

10. You can’t make the connection between the last three decades of labor union bashing and your own declining wages and
skyrocketing insurance premiums.

11. You’d rather allow Exxon-Mobile to get $14 billion a year in tax credits than a poor black family get housing assistance or job

12. You believe that all of Bush’s failures are directly attributable to biased media coverage.

13. You believe that progressives, Democrats, liberals, anti-war activists, and Bush critics hate the USA. Yeah, you believe that
these native born Americans, many of whom are exceedingly prosperous, happy people, who have children and businesses
and long family histories, who have served their communities with military or public service, you actually believe these people
want Al Qaeda to set up an Islamic caliphate in Pennsylvania or Colorado or California?

14. You are so scared of “socialism” that you refuse to even consider reforming our broken-beyond-repair health care system. You refuse to believe that the USA is now ranked 44th in life expectancy.

15. You have an irrational hatred of France, home of Lafayette, Rochambeau, and Montesquieu, our ONLY ally against King
George III, and who gave us the Statue of Liberty! Not to mention some hot women and excellent wines!

16. You honestly believe two dudes getting hitched will ruin your marriage.

17. You want the 10 Commandments posted in public buildings, despite the fact that you can only remember 3 or 4 of them
and have broken just about every one except murder.

18. You have an unholy desire to perform oral sex on African-American undercover police officers.

19. You think that Karl Rove, whose father was a closeted homosexual and committed suicide, and who personally screwed
the Republican Congressional candidates in ’06 by having Bush relentlessly campaign for them, is a political genius.

20. You will shortly be featured on TO CATCH A PREDATOR having a little chat with Chris Hansen about why you showed up
a 12-year-old girl’s house when her parents are in Europe.

21. You want lesbians to be second class citizens, yet you continue to rent pornographic videotapes showing lesbians engaged in explicit sexual activity.

22. You refuse to acknowledge that the Federal government grew to its largest size in history, and at its fastest rate of growth,
between 2001 and 2006, during which time Republicans (the party of small government) held control of both the legislative and executive branches of government.

23. You don’t realize that welfare has already been reformed so as to be unrecognizable from the 1970s entitlement program,
and that it was a Democrat (the much hated Bill Clinton) who reformed it.

24. Your head spins when your liberal Democratic communist neighbor says that he hated Bill Clinton too, but since you don’t
understand the concept of “centrist” vs. “moderate” you change the subject and start talking about gays instead.

25. You hate Bill and Hillary Clinton, but you can’t exactly remember why. Furthermore, you continue to blame Bill Clinton for today’s woes (the war in Iraq, the deficits, the shaky housing market, gay rights) even though he hasn’t been president for 7
years. And you also tend to forget that Clinton had Republican Congressional majorities for most of his presidency, which
means he was one of the most bipartisan presidents in history. And finally, nobody in their right mind would ever call the man a
proud “liberal.” So why do you insist on using that label?

26. In the moral scale of things, you honestly believe Bill Clinton is a worse man for murdering Vince Foster than George Bush
is for sending over 4000 U.S. troops to die for his Iraq Follies, for making the use of torture legal, and for suspending habeas
corpus for anyone he decides is a suspected terrorist. And if you’re a true Republican, you won’t have any idea what habeas
corpus is.

27. You distrust and dislike African-Americans because they’re all lazy, welfare-cheating gang-bangers, and yet your children
spend every penny of their allowance buying their music and their fashion wear, and they spend every minute of their time
watching their music videos or their exploits on the football field or basketball court. And whether you’ve noticed it or not, your
kids talk like them too.

28. You don’t want women to be allowed to have abortions, yet we’ve noticed that you haven’t adopted too many unwanted
children yourself.

29. You can’t quite figure out why the owner of Fox News (the only trusted source for news in your world) is also the same man
who owns Fox Broadcasting Channel, which airs an endless sewage stream of oversexualized shows relying on the crudest
form of humor. DOES. NOT. COMPUTE in your Republican brain.

30. In your world, it is perfectly okay for a group of wealthy activists who never served a single day in the military, and in fact
actively DODGED military service, to publicly and without shame slander and malign the service of someone who did serve
honorably in the military. You figure it’s okay because they’re using their military experience for political gain; however, you
forget that they joined the military at a young age, when political gain was the furthest thing from their minds.

31. You can’t comprehend the idea that freedom OF religion automatically includes freedom FROM religion.

32. The US Constitution is NOT based on Biblical tradition. Indeed, the father of the constitution, James Madison, was a deist, which was 18th century code for “agnostic.” If you’ve studied any history at all, you’ll realize that a few ministers of the day complained that the Constitution didn’t mention God at all, to which Thomas Jefferson (another deist) famously replied (I’m paraphrasing), “I’m pretty sure we mentioned him twice, actually.”

And, courtesy of Evo:

33.  You say ‘support the troops’, believe the President and his party are the only ones doing so, yet fail to notice that every single time a vote comes up in Congress to provide better benefits to these fine young men and women, it’s inevitably the Democrats who brought it up and the Republicans who shut it down.

Courtesy of The Exterminator:

34. You don’t believe in activist judges unless they want to twist the Constitution to suspend habeas corpus.

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16 Responses

  1. Oh, my fucking god….

    Maybe your best yet, Ric. Absolutely excellent. Mind if I add one? In fact, maybe everyone coming here to comment should do the same!

    You say “support the troops”, believe the President and his party are the only ones doing so, yet fail to notice that every single time a vote comes up in Congress to provide better benefits to these fine young men and women, it’s inevitably the Democrats who brought it up and the Republicans who shut it down.


  2. Great post 😀

    20 is hilarious but probably very true.


  3. Evo –


    steph –

    The show I want to see is ‘To Catch A Republican War Profiteer’. Now that would do some real social good!


  4. Some shocking,some sad and some refutable. All in all a post that rises to the standards and passion one can see you strive for. ( that’s actually meant as a compliment)


  5. alfie –

    Laugh a little. The world’s going to hell in a handbasket. It needs laughers.

    And thanks for the compliment.


  6. I was gonna add one, but they’re all taken already. Still …

    34. You don’t believe in activist judges unless they want to twist the Constitution to suspend habeas corpus.


  7. “James Madison, was a Deist, which was 18th century code for ‘agnostic.'”


    Deism was a 18th Century belief, which not only Madison, but JEFFERSON and WASHINGTON believed in, was that the Universe was created by an Omnipotent, Omniscient HIGHER POWER, but that He did not Micro-Manage the Universe. He set up the Universe as a Perfect Thing, but gave us FREE WILL, so that the FATE of the WORLD was IN OUR HANDS.

    It is up to US, to decide with our FREE WILL and the judgment HE GAVE US, how the World will end up!!! It is in OUR HANDS!!!


  8. I’m an AGNOSTIC, but I’FN THERE IS A GOD, I believe in the DEIST conception of God.

    That He has given us the Power of Logic and Science to determine WHAT IS OUR FATE!!! WE and ONLY WE can decide what to do with the Universe He has given US!!! How to make it WORK for us or how to FAIL!!!


  9. Ken Rose –

    Stop shouting for chrissake. You’re giving me a fucking headache.


  10. I really can’t add anything to this. Great post and at least 99% the truth


  11. Ric – very good post.

    Ken – you may think like a Deist, but you WRITE like a FUNDOGELICAL!!!!! Nevertheless, you get a few points for spelling better than most of them.


  12. Chappie: Be fair. He did use punctuation.

    Ric: Great post. I’ve been trying to think of another one, but you covered the subject quite well.


  13. FANTASTIC!!! Oh, sorry about that. Ken got me worked up and I shouted there.


  14. pc –

    That’s okay. You’re not trying sell me anything.


  15. Ric can I borrow this with (or without if you desire) a link back ? I’ll accept a no. I just wanted to “discuss” it to myself and see if anyone cared.


  16. alfie –

    Go ahead.


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