Minutes of Today’s Meeting of the Spending Local Unified Rebate Program (SLURP)

Preamble: We are a group of loyal Americans wishing to do our patriotic duty by spending President Bush’s generous rebate in a way that most effectively helps boost our American economy and pride.

The meeting was called to order by Robbie McMurphy, President, at seven a.m. in our special reserved section of Starbucks coffee shop.

Robbie: Meeting is called to order. Any old business? No? New business? Morty?

Morty Jones: What? Nothing. I’m just ordering coffee. Hot and bitter, Miss.

Sam Ianucci: You really gotta stop pining for your ex-wife, Morty.

All: (Laughter)

Robbie: Alright, alright. New business? Morty?

Morty: We’re wasting our time on this. It just ain’t going to matter.

Charlie Elsmith: Oh, and you know better than the federal government about the economy, is that right, Morty?

Morty: And you believe everything they tell you?

Robbie: Well, they are putting one hundred fifty billion dollars into our hands, giving us the responsibility to get the economy back on its feet.

Charlie: Nothing wrong with that.

Morty: Where’d they get the money? Some of you guys are the first to complain about tax-and-spend Democrats, but when Republicans borrow money to hand to you, with the country in deep debt doo doo, I don’t hear any complaints.

Robbie: Now, let’s not get into divisive political wrangling, alright Morty? Charlie?

Charlie, Morty: (grunts, indecipherable)

Robbie: Here’s the question. What’s the best way to use the money to help America?

Joe Moscho: Shop. Run down to the Wal-Mart and spend like crazy. That’ll do her.

Morty: Do what?

Joe: Well, the more stuff we buy, the more the manufacturers make, and the more people they hire, and pretty soon the economy’s moving again.

Morty: You only get one check, one time. There’s no more. Why would a manufacturer build more stuff when he knows there’s no more money in the pipe?

Charlie: Well, that’s what Bush said it would do. And he’s the President.

Morty: (mutters under breath – sounds like ‘idiot’ indecipherable)

Robbie: And a lot of that money’s going to go overseas, isn’t it? I mean that’s where most of our goods are made anymore, you know.

Billy Pilgrim: I’m going to pay down my credit card.

Morty: Good idea, Pilgrim. You’re outta work two years now. Pay that sucker down because you’re gonna need to run it up next month again.

Billy: They’re taking the house next month you know.

All: (murmuring, mumbling)

Martin Windham: Well, I’m putting mine in savings. Savings is what built America.

Morty: Funny. I thought it was sweat off the brow of the unemployed and the underpaid, you know, the people who actually did the work.

Martin: Money, my funny friend, money built America.

Charlie: Yeah, and just why is it that you’re getting any of this money? You’re rich.

Martin: (mumbles) Money’s tied up in offshore accounts, investments, you know, high finance.

Morty: Those Wall Street hucksters broke you, huh? Subprimed you right into the ditch, didn’t they?

Martin: (nods, turns away, sobs)

Peter Porter: Mine’s going to pay medical bills. They’re taking the house next week.

All: (sympathy mumbling)

Morty: I’m investing mine. Going to buy Starbucks stock.

Robbie: Why’s that?

Morty: You’ll find out the same time you find out why this whole thing is nonsense.

Joe: Investing is a good idea. We could pool our money, make a really good buy in the market. That’ll help strengthen the financial structure of the country.

Morty: Oh, you mean like Bear Stearns? The risk takers the government just bailed out with thirty billion of your money? The financiers who know they can do whatever they want and their friends in the White House and Congress will make sure they don’t lose a dime? That financial structure?

Joe: But the stock market is doing okay…

Morty: The stock market is not the economy. Rich people are not your friend. Sorry, Martin, but you’re not rich anymore so don’t get offended.

Robbie: Alright, Morty, you’ve been negative all morning. What do you propose we do? What do you think is going to happen?

Morty: I suggest we pay our bill for the coffee and pastry we ate today. Oh, Miss, Miss, checks please.

Waitress: (To Robbie) Yours is four fifty sir.

Robbie: Boy, I remember when coffee cost a dime, and fifteen cents got a Danish. Here’s five bucks.

Waitress: I’m sorry, sir. That’s three hundred for the coffee and one hundred fifty for the scone.

Robbie: (muffled cry, falls out of chair)

Morty: It’s called inflation, Robbie, the real inflation. Courtesy of the idiots you voted for. The ones that have lied to us and jiggered the numbers for the last thirty years, and the ones that sold us out to the Chinese and Asian bankers and governments since 2001.

Robbie: (getting up off the floor) You’re right, Morty. This crap isn’t going to work. Everybody, everybody, you all go home, pack a bag, pack your guns, and meet back here at noon. We’re going to Washington.

All: Right on!

Robbie: Meeting adjourned.


9 Responses

  1. So Ric, you really don’t think we can solve all our problems by borrowing 150 million to giveaway in $300 chunks to Americans while continuing to fight a $12 billion a month war as the economy stagnates, 3 million homes are foreclosed upon and the deficit soars? Where’s your optimism man?


  2. Evo –

    Wasn’t it Chairman Mao who said optimism comes from the barrel of a gun? Or was that the fellow with the barrels of gunpowder under Parliament? I always get those folks confused.


  3. Wouldn’t it be simpler to just send $150 billion straight to China and buy down, oh, 4% of the money we already owe them? Of course, borrowing from China to pay China sounds, well, um. What’s the word I’m looking for? Useless? Yeah. That works. Useless.


  4. () –

    Keep that idea to yourself. If Bush & Co. get wind of it, they’re likely to go ahead and do it, since when it fails they can blame you.


  5. They don’t need MY help to be useless! Actually, I take that back. Useless would be an improvement.


  6. I don’t know about anyone else here, but as soon as I get my 300 bucks, I’m going to jump-start the U.S. economy and buy myself a new house. That’s what they’re going for now in my neighborhood.


  7. Ex, I may have to move to your neighborhood soon. In my neighborhood, it won’t be long before a tank of gas costs $300.


  8. Ex –

    I propose we smart, intelligent, rational bloggers all send you $300 and let you buy up a neighborhood. We can all move there, set up a defense perimeter against the coming McCainism and McCainites, and create a Blog Force to marshall our many talents against the dark times ahead.

    Or we could just party a lot.

    Chappie –

    I’m almost looking forward to $300 a tank gas. It might keep the barbarian tourists from coming here and screwing the place up some more this year. (It’s the sort of thing us misanthropes think about.) 🙂


  9. Obama is bitten by James Carville and goes into a coma. Four years later he wakes up to confront an America which has spent four years under President McCain, still following the same policies.

    Trying to get a grip on events, he wangles a dinner invitation from Vice President Clinton. After a full evening trying to get a straight answer out of her, he finally finds a sufficiently dumbed down way to gauge how the country is doing.

    “So, Hillary, how much does a steak dinner like this cost the average American?”

    “Well, this is real cow, not horse, so it’s pretty pricey… I dunno, 2000 yuan?”


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