The Seven Weird Facts Meme

Well, nobody asked, and I usually don’t go for the whole blog meme thing, but since this one gives me the perfect opportunity to make up silly stuff about myself, I just couldn’t pass up barging in on it. So here I go.

image

1. I steal images from other blogs, like the bunch of 7s I stole from Spanish Inquisitor. I was a wiseass in high school and still act like one to get attention. It’s the secret of my blogging success. At least among the half dozen people who read my blog.

2. I haven’t touched  a woman since November 1995 when J broke up with me to go with a lawyer. Since then I have poured sugar or sand into the gas tanks of Jaguars and Mercedes of 274 lawyers around the country. The police in 83 jurisdictions are baffled.

3. In a previous life, about forty years ago, I did some astrology and dabbled in tarot. Worse, I believed they had some validity.

4. I worked as a DUS for the FBI. The cognoscenti will recognize the acronym stands for Federal Bureau of Investigation. The other one stands for Deep Undercover Specialist. In that capacity I took down three motorcycle gangs of Islamic jihadists in Iowa who were planning to kidnap trout fingerlings and release them in radioactive waters at a nuclear plant. The plan was for the trout to mutate into ferocious eating machines that would migrate to Georges Bank and wipe out the remaining food fish, thus plunging the United States into a depression, whereupon the motorcyclists could foment revolution and take over Iowa. That that did not work out for them was due to my heroic and dangerous infiltration of the gangs. Shortly afterwards I left the FBI because they refused to let me keep the motorcycle I used.

5. I’m a nice guy. My tough reputation is made up. Really. I wouldn’t hurt a mouse. Unless it was a Republican mouse. Or a fundamentalist mouse. Or a right-wing mouse that needed crushing.

6. All of my grandparents were killed in the Hindenberg disaster. But as they were a forward thinking bunch (an inheritable trait, I might add) they set aside some sperm and eggs before they boarded. Those were forwarded to the Italian government, which put them together and implanted the results in some rogue nuns who then gave birth to my parents in New England and New York.

7. I believe that memes do not exist. After all, if they existed, wouldn’t I have a girlfriend by now? The logic is inescapable. Therefore I must be a monk.

There! All done. And since memes don’t exist I obviously see no need to forward any of this to anyone. In fact, anyone who reads it will have to be eliminated, especially those who read item number four. There’ll be a Republican going around taking names.

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17 Responses

  1. Pssst. Wake up. Nap time’s over.

    See, the difference between your facts and my facts is that your facts were made up (admittedly) and my facts were not. Mine were all true. I swear it. Even my Fact #7. Especially that one.

    Nice graphic.

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  2. Ah, but I did not admit to being a liar, so you have no way of knowing whether I’m telling the truth. In fact, I did lie about naptime and did not take a nap. But I’m not telling the truth about that. So did I nap or not?

    Glad you like the graphic. It’s an original. (Theft, that is.) Where did you steal it from?

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  3. In fact I’d go so far as to say that there is truth in all seven of my weird facts.

    The graphic is not true though. It is made up of pixels that disappear as soon as it is off screen. It has no independent existence.

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  4. Well, it’s obvious that this meme has mutated into something really bizarre. Perhaps it’s a good thing that the lineage will stop here.

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  5. Yeah, lots of people say it’s a good thing I don’t breed.

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  6. Sounds like you’re a “virgin birth”, Lion.

    At least among the half dozen people who read my blog.

    So I’m one of the Dirty (half)Dozen?

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  7. It seems this mutation of the meme is an aberration which won’t breed. You and SI are dead branches on the evolutionary tree of this meme.

    I have to say maybe the world would be a better place today if we just gave them Iowa. Do we really need Iowa? Fuck it. Call it Palestine, move the weirdoes there and done. End of grief in the Middle East. No land to fight for there and they can’t continue calling us the great Satan, no matter how cool that may sound. Of course they’d probably realize quickly what most people realize, that Iowa sucks, and then we’d be back at square one. Alright, scratch all that.

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  8. Evo – Yes, I’m proud to call you one of the Dirty Halflings.

    Philly – I’ve got a better idea. The Southwest is drying up because the idiots out there have operated under the idea that the water would last forever, even when they could see it disappearing. Pretty soon lots of those people will leave and then we can cede a couple of states to the Palestinians. They’ll likely be better stewards of the remaining water supply, coming from the water-challenged Middle East. Or even better, we could put the Israelis there, haul their religious sites into the area, like we did with London Bridge, and put an end to the murderous nonsense. Everybody would get peace and we wouldn’t be getting dragged into wars in the region.

    And who are you calling a ‘dead branch’? Spanqi, are you gonna take that from this guy? Huh, are you, huh?

    And don’t you guys love it when a meme mutates? Evolution in action. Well, the mutatory kind anyway.

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  9. As a branch that successfully passed on the meme, I taunt you a second time. :)~

    As Harris pointed out, those desert yahoos won’t accept one of our states because it’s not the land promised to them by their god. So silly. Huge mistake creating Israel after WWII, imo. Maybe if we gave them a state then, they’d have taken it and been happy with it. Now is too late.

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  10. Philly – I’m glad that you recognized my kingly qualities, but I’m intensely curious to know how you discovered my mother was a hamster. I thought that was one of my family’s best kept secrets.

    Nice armor, by the way.

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  11. Phillychief:
    Be careful what you say about Iowa! I went to the University of Iowa (Go, Hawkeyes!) and loved it. Iowa City is a great place to study, live and raise a family. The pace of life was nice and laid back.

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  12. Chappy, that was back in your religious days. You might look at it with new eyes now. I’m not saying Iowa is the worst of the religious states. To the contrary, as I understand it, Iowa is a oasis of enlightenment in the bible belt. Still… it ain’t either coast!

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  13. Not only is Iowa not on either coast, it will soon become part of the ancient Inland Sea. And Bibles make lousy rafts – the paper soaks up water, gets mushy, and sinks.

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  14. John Evo – Yes, I lived in Iowa during my religious days, but my advisor was an atheist. She and I became wonderfully close friends. She had degrees in biology and botany and was the one who turned me on to philosophy of science. She also helped me to understand the power of the theory of evolution. We co-authored a couple of science education/philosophy of science papers. Without that time in Iowa, I’d likely still be a religious half-wit.

    BTW – Iowa City is not on either coast, but it is definitely a liberal oasis in a conservative sea.

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  15. At one time I considered taking a job in Iowa. The traffic is very low and housing costs were cheap but otherwise it looked pretty bland. There’s a comedian who made a joke one time about why there are no tall buildings in Iowa, because Iowans would climb to their rooftops and jump. šŸ™‚

    Side note, I’ve since won awards for my work which that company competed for and didn’t win. They have a team of at least 5 artists. I have me. What’s that got to do with Iowa? Nothing, but speaking of Iowa reminds me of them. Suck it, Iowa!

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  16. And we call theists irrational?

    Humor, of course, is by its very definition, irrational.

    So does this mean that theists, since they spend their lives defending an inherently irrational idea, have a better sense of humor?

    Let us consider religious humor.

    (Pause)

    Okay, I was wrong. I guess good humor means (other than crappy ice cream) being able to recognize absurdities and welcome knew ideas.

    By the way, a right wing mouse? That would be a crippled bat, right?

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  17. I just noticed that someone called me a “dead branch”. That’s so unkind. Besides, I have a Viagra prescription. So it’s not an issue anymore.

    And Ric, your mother was a beautiful Hamster.

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