Children March On Washington; Bush Panics; Politicians Flee; Military Confused. "We Will Not Be Trickled On," Says Commander Chip, 6

At the southern New Jersey border I caught up with Commander Chip, 6, at the head of a column of thirty or forty thousand four- to six-year-olds as they marched down Route 95 towards Washington.

“I don’t have a lot of time to talk to you press guys,” he said right away. “You’re part of the problem. We’ll deal with you after.”

I explained I was merely a left-wing blogger of a small, but nasty anti-Republican blog.

“We don’t have a lot of use for Democrats, either,” Commander Chip retorted sharply.

“Not a Democrat, er, Commander. I’m out there in the hinterlands of the middle.”

“Well, maybe I can spare a little time for you, but you know you have to get off the fence sometime.” He patted the nine millimeter pistol in his chest holster.

“Fair enough.” I looked back. Forty thousand kids packing nines marched behind us. Pairs of bigger kids carried RPGs, and some carried AKs. Nobody was giggling or laughing. Very grim bunch.

“What do you intend to do when you get to Washington?” I asked Commander Chip.

“Gonna take it back. Gonna take away the adults’ toys.”

“Could you be a little more specific?”

“Sure,” he said. “Take the health insurance issue, the S-CHIP thing. That foolish fellow in the White House vetoes it, says my parents should buy private insurance.”

“The American way?”

“The corporate way. My mom and dad need $11,000 to buy health insurance. That’s ridiculous. That’s the politicians, especially the Republicans, paying off insurance companies. Not gonna happen.”

“So you’re movement is against capitalism? If I understand you correctly.”

“What, am I lisping? Pay attention. These Bush people, with the help of the Democrats, have spent our future. They expect us to pay for the mess they’ve created. Well, see these kids? See these guns? Ain’t gonna happen.”

I heard some angry supportive murmuring from the kids close enough to hear us. One four-year-old girl glared at me while her hand gripped the butt of her pistol.

“Cindy,” shouted Commandant Chip. “He’s a guest.”

I think she snarled before she walked away muttering.

Focus, I said to myself.

“What are you going to do in D.C.?”

“I’ve got seven columns at least this size marching on the city. When we get there tomorrow we’re going to take over the Congress, throw them out into the street, and the White House, oh yes, got something special for him.”


“Yep. Gonna lock him in a bomb shelter for the rest of his life. He gets bread and water once a day and a recording of “My Pet Goat” playing twenty four hours a day.”

I’d heard children could be cruel, but I had no idea. “They’ll try to stop you, you know. Cops, Army, all of that. Guns, tanks.”

“Think about it, blogger. Will they fire on thousands of little children? Trickling their pissy economics on us for the rest of our lives is one thing. Putting bullets into us? I think not.”


“Commander Chip!”

“Sorry. Commander, it sounds like you’ll just end up with a standoff. Cops here, you there.”

“Nope. They won’t take us seriously. They never do, especially this bunch. So we just march right up them, in overwhelming numbers, and swarm them. You ever get kicked in the crotch by a six-year-old?”

That’s a big wince. “That’s the plan?”

“Sweet, innocent little kids. Isn’t that cute? WHAM!”

“Simplicity is a virtue.”

“You betcha. And then we run the country.”

“What changes will you make?”

“Softball question. Get the insurance companies out of healthcare. Make the rich pay taxes instead of getting a free ride. Bring back unions. Cut CEO pay to seven times the least paid worker’s wages. Get out of Iraq, and apologize to them. Talk to Iran and Syria. Throw Rush Limbaugh and his ilk into Guantanamo. Bust the oil and coal companies. Maybe shoot some lobbyists on the White House lawn. Shred Barney.”

“What about Bin Laden?”

“There’s a bunch of Muslim kids closing in on him as we speak. He’s toast.”

“Sounds like you’ve got it all worked out.”

“And you thought we were getting off on Sesame Street and Teletubbies all this time. Time’s up, blogger. Gotta go.”

I watched as thousands of children marched past on their way to reclaim their future.

Not exactly what the Founders had in mind, but hey, whatever works…

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4 Responses

  1. It is really sad that Bush veto this children health care bill trying to save $20 to $35 billion dollars and had no shame for asking $190 billion dollars for his lost wars.


  2. Ric, I just couldn’t help wondering why those kids were so different they are than when we were kids.

    Remembering playing tag? You’r it


  3. I failed tag in grade school and memes in college, John. Hell, even my cats won’t play tag with me. They have more fun torturing the occasional meme that wanders into the house. But thanks for the thought! 🙂


  4. It’s cool… I really wasn’t up for it myself. See what a “go along” little lamb I can be?


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